*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
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Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.