*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
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If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub