“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
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JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
When you kidnap a writer.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti