Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
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Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.