DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
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Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
your honor my client chooses dare
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.