Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
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whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Seas the day!!!!
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
12: Don’t get any of it.
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
this is dave, he’s a vegan
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.