Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
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[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG: