Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
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Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..