“Dress for the job you want”, they say. Well, I always wanted to be a professional boxer, and now I can’t open this packet of crisps, so thanks a bunch for that.
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Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.