Dress for the job you want to sleep at
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Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
I never know how much to tip a cow.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
The answer is funnier than the question
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?