[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
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Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse