*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
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My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.