dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
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OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Wait for it
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac