Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
You Might Also Like
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot