drew a comic about my origin story
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grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost