Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
You Might Also Like
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.