Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
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“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.