Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
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the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Single and childfree like Jesus
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.