Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
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Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single