Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
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Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
I want this so bad
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend