Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
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Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.