@TheBoydP

Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.

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@checkyourfox

I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.

@keyblur_justin

I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.

@riot4rach

me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today

platter of various cheeses:

@squirrel74wkgn

[making out after date]

Her: Should we go back to your place?

Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet

@RandiLawson

Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is

@AlmightyBored

During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.

@OrvllShrednbchr

Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.

@RunOldMan

You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.

@kevinthedad

Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean

@Marcmywords2

Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.