Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
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when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Yep.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Anyone really
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
man: wait
time: no
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Stop it! 😂
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow