*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
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Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son