‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
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“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
🤣🤣💀
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
sin harder.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Air conditioning – not a fan
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?