Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
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everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.