Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.

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If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.


My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”

My wife died, so I was a free man.

Then she came back and bit me.


“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something


Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.


I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.


Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder


“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.


Husband: *snoring*

Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP

Husband: What the hell?

Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?