Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
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Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
doing some research
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom