@blaha_Who

Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel

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@ScottLinnen

Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.

@daemonic3

Hello 911?

“What’s your emergency?”

You work in a building?

“Yes”

Inside?

“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”

So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!

@imskytrash

[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here

@Area51eh

Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.

I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.

And that’s how the fight started.

@SteveKoehler22

Hey big accounts –

What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?

My cat would be dead before I got 50

@Darlainky

I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.

@Tmoney68

Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.

@stephenjmolloy

Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.

Me: Hiatus?

Girlfriend: I hate us too.

@Paige__xxx

Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.

Coincidence?

@sofarrsogud

Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.