drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
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Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Try and stop me.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.