Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
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[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
He took my last fry, your honor
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.