@RdrJay47

Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?

Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.

You Might Also Like

@Marlebean

My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!

My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!

@PLATINUM2000

[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.

@krisv_723

My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”

@wildethingy

I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.

@DearAuntAbby

If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.

@TheFirstDudish

Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.

@broodingYAhero

For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.

@Robert_Beau

You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.