Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
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Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Mood.. 😂
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator