[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
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I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.