[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
You Might Also Like
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us