[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
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I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]