[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
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Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
sensitive skin
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
This was the best day of my life
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.