driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
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Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Holy shit he’s back
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.