*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
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It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?