*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
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My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great