Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
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Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.