Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.

oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode

Excerpt from my fantasy novel. Reminder to editors: new authors pour their souls into their manuscripts. Feedback like “Did you spend all your time inventing the elf language?” and “I think you spent too much time making the elf language” is NOT helpful

If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.

I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.

Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.

Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”

Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”

How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.

Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands

All: BOOOO!

kid: I am telling mom

Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence

Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout

I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.

I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.

Him: Are you ready?

Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.

Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING

If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.

Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…

Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.

In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.

*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*

Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!

Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.

So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.

I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.

Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try

[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd

AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)

It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.

The more you know.

i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow

tarot lady: someone wants to talk to you

me: stop threatening me

me: have you seen my hoodie?

her: you mean our hoodie???

Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive

Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed

Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.