[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
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the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
how to have an accident 101
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Somebody’s lying.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing