[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
You Might Also Like
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
yall want some gasoline milk