{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
You Might Also Like
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.