@stevevsninjas

[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*

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@simoncholland

I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.

@psybermonkey

Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water

Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever

@MarfSalvador

Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*

Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed

@Rollinintheseat

[Mom group]

New mom: My six-month-old is teething.

My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.

@lisaOoOo

I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.

@YuckyTom

in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.

@PaperWash

Paul is coming over tonight

Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?

[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]

@Seinfeld2000

If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son

jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run

@Blarebare

I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.