Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
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Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
first you must answer his riddles
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
R.I.P.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.