[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
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The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
incredible
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Aight bet
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes