[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
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How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?