Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
You Might Also Like
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Y’all ready for this
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.