I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
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I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.