*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
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People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
This is enough internet for the day.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie