Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me: I spy something adopted.
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“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
This is my cat’s medicine.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day