@SCBamaMan

*driving home*

Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.

You Might Also Like

@KentWGraham

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

@mugkip

“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease

@RACarter

GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.

@blueeyesgreene

My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?

@Puncroaker

I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.

@leannuh

Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.

Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.

Wow you’re fast.

@NewDadNotes

Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?

Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit

@johnbcrist

I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.

@chuuew

Boss: We need you to go undercover

Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here

Boss: Today’s your first day