driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
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people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights