@Jmboyd58

*driving my date to the ER*

I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.

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@RickAaron

I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.

@Thynebear

Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?

@ch000ch

*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”

@daemonic3

FRIEND: Where were you?

ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor

FRIEND: Flu?

ME: Nah, just drove really fast

@MattMcC1

“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall

@WheelTod

[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm

@SlabBaconBP

I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.

@ch000ch

[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”