[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
You Might Also Like
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.