*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
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My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”